I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
