Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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