I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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