I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Randomize
