She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
