I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
