I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
