I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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