he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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