ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
