Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Someone came in the potted fern
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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