im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
