Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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