Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I think my fart just growled at me.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
