worst night to have a conscience
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
