Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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