I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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