You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
