Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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