i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude i'm inner monologue high
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
