Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
