Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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