Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
