Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
