it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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