The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
