Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
