Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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