i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
she smelled like a LAN party
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
