i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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