my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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