so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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