i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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