Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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