Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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