Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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