Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
