Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize