I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
