Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
