Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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