For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
do nipples grow back?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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