where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
