I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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