So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
