i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
