So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
