i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
