u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she smelled like a LAN party
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
