dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
