Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
