I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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