yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
