I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
