I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
