I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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