Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Sober January is a disaster.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
