I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
