Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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