I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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