I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
sarcasm needs its own font
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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