One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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