i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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