writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
