Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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